Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
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One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on