SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
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Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Put a ring on it
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””