support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
You Might Also Like
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.