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Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.