Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.