@Cheeseboy22: Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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@iamburtjarvis: nurse: are you allergic to any medicine? me: laughter nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD- me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
@Book_Krazy: Calm down 'Fitbit' joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
@FatherWithTwins: Stickiest things in the world: 3) Lollipops 2) Glue 1) Children's library books
@weinerdog4life: If you're ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like "I can't even hear you bear"