Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
You Might Also Like
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Jesus steals the winter solstice