Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
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wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me