*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
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If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!