10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
#math
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
This has made my week.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*