Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
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There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby