Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift