Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
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Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Follow me for more life hacks.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
what day is it?