Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
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I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!