Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
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Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I