When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
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[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.