Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
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Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.