Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
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Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough