Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
You Might Also Like
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.