@Sarcasticsapien: Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
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@CulturedRuffian: *at the gym* Trainor: Have a donut. Me: Wow! Sure! T: Here's some pizza. M: What kind of trainer are you? T: I'm a Megan Trainor.
@JKNenagh: My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
@NicestHippo: [girlfriend yelling] You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names! [she knocks over my dead hamster's shrine] GILGAMESH!