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Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.