I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
You Might Also Like
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
No. YOU-buprofen.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”