Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
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One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid