Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
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The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My inexpensive home security system…
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly