Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Lube but for my dry humor.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
buys donuts instead
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.