Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.