Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.