SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
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Ok but actually
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“The Perfect Relationship”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
@ candidates for local office
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.