surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
You Might Also Like
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends