SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
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Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark