Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?