@donni: Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Teen: Your brows are on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek. Teen: Thanks! Me: God damn it.
@Lani_Hayden: Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night. Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do? *falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
@SteveSuckington: "Dad, I'm I want you to move back home rent free" hi I want you to move back home rent free. I'm dad "Ok thanks dad" well shit