@donni: Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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@AimeeHelene1: I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water... Or food... Or baby...
@sass_n_ass: Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
@AlexvanBeek: A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
@dumstupit: i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date