Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
🤭😂
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.