Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
You Might Also Like
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing