surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
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Don’t touch that.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
They’re called werewolves.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”