Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
You Might Also Like
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Thinking about Jeff
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Its true…
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Duck typos.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.