My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Dishonest mechanic?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human