Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito