SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”