@omgthatspunny: Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Coworker: I couldn't sleep. Just thinking all night Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day
@3sunzzz: [aquarium exit] Excuse me ma'am, would you mind opening your bag? I beg your pardon?! OPEN YOUR BAG *opens bag and reveals two penguins*
@hazelmotes1: Having children really brought me and my wife closer together. We have a common enemy now.