“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
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Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.