“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
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I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
That time Alicia messaged me
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.