suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Simple
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.