{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating