I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
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The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.