Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
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THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Wait for it
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.