Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
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I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..