@ObscureGent: Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
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@DestineyLynn: *Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall* Well... sounds like a problem for the next person.
@DurtMcHurtt: Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash* McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.
@GrantTanaka: *leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
@skickwriter: My microwave broke. So, we're finding innovative alternatives. Did y'all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.