sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
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These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Danger is very dangerous
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I ate everything, including the H.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
new record!
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today