Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
You Might Also Like
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Birds & Planes.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*