@AmishPornStar1: Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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@thepunningman: [superhero meeting] "What's your enemy called?" "Dr Doom. Yours?" "Joker" [stifles laughter] "I HAVE OTHERS" "Ye-" "Penguin" [just loses it]
@seanforhire: i noticed you didn't put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
@captainkalvis: DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
@better_off_dad: Not to brag... ... but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.