@HoneyWooWoo: Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

@texasstalkermom: I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don't show up there.

@OzCricketFan81: Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the "ice bucket challenge" made it cool

@egg_dog: Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

@SeanLowe09: I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it. Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie. I faked a smile and gave him a bite. Soon after, she asked him AGAIN. I have no wife.