@patrickoriley: I'm so hungry I could eat this piece of paper. *adds salt to resume*

@Sarcasmo718: I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

@Tipocazzuto: Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien? Me: why? Her: who vacuums their bed? Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

@tarashoe: well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

@SteveKoehler22: Nike is coming out with a line of Air Brady football shoes. They have a built in suspension feature. You just have to let some air out.