@VerifiedJayy: Maybe the Mayans were talking about hockey

@abbycohenwl: My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

@robdelaney: Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

@robdelaney: Woman at drive-thru just called me "honey." Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@GrantTanaka: *races to airport *hurdles though security *sees her at boarding gate *shouts her name *romantic music swells I RAN OVER YOUR CAT