Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack