If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
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Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
describing stardew valley
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
How about daylight saves us for once
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.