[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
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I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
NASA has no chill
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*