*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
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Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My purse is deeper than some people.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.