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You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.