*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Breaking news:
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?